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Space alien- on loosing your sense of purpose+direction

30/07/2018- This post was written two years ago when I was working before uni and I thought that this would be interesting to post now, at age 20 when I have just completed my first year of university studying illustration and I am about to start the second year in September. It’s a bittersweet post overall because I was so low then, when  I wrote this and now I am studying something I love and I’m much happier in comparison. I haven’t edited this at all so its more of a diary entry than a blog post so excuse some of the phrasing and words.

Year 7. I had a very clear path that I was going to follow. College, University, Designer.

That path is still evident now at age 18, however I have discovered that one job is not enough for me. I have way too many interests, all of which I want to persevere with. Maybe not all as a major profession but there is no way I’m letting them fall through the cracks all the same. With all these interests, one can’t help but wonder if the path that I’m following is the right one.

Said path has taken a pit stop at the moment, as university is expensive af and I don’t have a lot of money (she says as a £29 pound jumper is being shipped tomorrow.) so a year long apprenticeship seemed like a good idea. Which it still is I think. By working in admin for a year I have a fall back plan if things go to shit creatively (a girl gotta eat) and by working for one company for 1 year shows to employers that I am committed and experienced.

However, part of me does wish that I hadn’t. Working in admin is hard. Watching your friends have fun without you is somewhat harder. Part of me feels like I’m missing out on the fun even though it’s still going to be there next year. Not to mention repetitive spreadsheet typing is s o u l  d e s t r o y i n g.

Admin has it’s pros- experience and tech savvy skills. However, 3 months in and I’m counting down until my contract ends. Not because the job is shit, on the contrary it is pretty good. Nice colleagues, no dress code, not having to stand up all day and smile constantly…it’s just not where I want to be.

It is the exact feeling I had towards the end of college, where everything seems too much and I just want to curl up and cry all day (admittedly, I have done this a la mental breakdown in the car on the way to work because I really can’t phone clients). Work is boring but what makes it worse is being so close to the next ‘chapter’ but unable to read it.

Last month undoubtedly was the worst ever. I woke up sad, I went to work sad, I left sad. Everything dragged and a two tonne weight was sat on my chest at all times. It took all my energy to get into work let alone function like a normal human being and talk. 9-5:30 felt like 6am-11pm and I counted down seconds like hours. Nothing was keeping me motivated.

Seizing the few days I felt happy helped a lot because I slowly worked on my hobbies and using them as an incentive.  I flooded my social media with artists and creators whose motivation rubbed off on me and I started inktober. Giving myself a sense of purpose and status motivated me to use my evenings and breaks in a creative way which mentally was a distraction to my job. It made me feel like I was working towards something great and slowly my ideas started to come back.

In terms of what I want to do, I’m still confused. There’s so much on my list of goals which I can’t even bring myself to write down, but by slowly rekindling my creativity which washed away with the tide, I feel like I’m a step towards achieving them all at a later date.



Barbra Bui (pre)- S/S 2016

Spring next year in Bui’s mind is full of pin striped patterns, clean cut jackets and subtle shades. There’s soft tones of white and blue, complimented by a warmer burgundy and camel to create the physical embodiment of Bui’s envision.

There’s a slight androgynous spin to the collection with straight cut trousers and structured blazer yet also incorporates a feminine touch with flowing dresses and scallop edged cardigans.

This jacket is one of my favourite pieces from the collection, I love the Aztec detailing combined with leather. The shades of grey and red merge together well, almost like a grey scale instagram filter. To add, the decoration creates a new take on the classic leather jacket. Rather than experimenting with techniques using leather on leather, Bui opted to embellish using machine stitching to create a unique garment. The tight-fitting structure creates a modern, formal edge to the casual jacket.  If I had enough money, I would buy it.

The shorts in this ensemble are minimalist in the best way. The lack of heavy detailing on the waistband and the effortless draping creates a casually fashionable look which could suit any occasion. Usually, layering completely different patterns looks awful, however I think the darker pallet of the shirt contrasts well enough with the blazer so that the pairing doesn’t make you want to rip your eyes out. On the contrary, it looks stylish and well thought out. Something I could probably never do.

Scalloped hems are always cute. No word of a lie. Especially when they are paired with a cornflower blue. The subtle detailing on the fabric make the jacket more aesthetically pleasing without going the same-old route of using a contrasting colour to add more appeal. Bui has gone with an odd fabric choice for this, with a faux-fur (which I can’t remember the exact name of, but if it was a brown colour would look and feel sort of like an animal? Someone help me out here!) rather than the standard taupe or black. The jacket has a professional yet delicate air to it and is one of my favourites of the collection.

Overall, Barbra Bui’s Spring/Summer 2016 sneak peek looks promising and I can’t wait to see the whole thing on the catwalk soon, hopefully more cute scalloping and edgy leather garments are on the way!


Wake up determined, go to sleep satisfied.

I’m always setting unachievable goals, saying I’m going to do something and not doing it and procrastinating everything. It leaves me in a state of self-pity and feeling like I’m stupid.

This stops now.

I have a list of things I want to do, where I want to be in the future and all of it relies on my persistence to keep moving forward. And this isn’t going to work if I procrastinate and wait until the future. 

For example, this blog was something I was unsure of for a long time. And that was solely based on he reason that I was embarrassed. Embarrassed people at college would find out and lump me with the ever growing ne’er of aspirin bloggers. Now I’m writing this thinking, so what? In one years time I’ll be in uni, surrounded by completely different people and the only ones who matter will support my attempts to do the thing I love as a career, because they’re doing the same thing.

YouTube: another platform I want to be on, with the same exact problem, only I’m also incredibly shy and nervous. I also have no idea what my niche is. However, I’m fairly certain that people don’t just watch videos for the content, they also watch for the person on screen, the drive and passion behind it, so if people like me, they won’t mind my jumble of different interests and projects, as long as I truly am dedicated. 

And uni. Arts is a risky thing to pick as a career. Fashion is competitive and there is always someone better than you. Sure I could always go and take law like my mum suggested, or study business and work in retail, but what if I can make it? What if I can make the 13 year old me’s wildest dreams come true? And what if I miss out on it because of other people’s opinions?

I guess the summary of this blog post is, I’m sick of being worried about other people’s opinions which probably don’t exist, sick of worrying about the future and sick of not working hard enough

So this is the starting point where im going to change.